a birth day....

He was thee cutest little peanut ever!

....

....

 19 years ago, my water broke
 and I spent April 24 through May 1st, 1996
in the University of Utah Hospital,
my water was low,
but I had enough to keep Landon safe, 

we worried about infection,
 I would stayed in bed all day on bedrest,

 and the sweet nurses
 would come in every couple of hours
to check on Landon, 

we were just trying to buy time..... 

every moment that we could keep him
 inside was a blessing, 

we were at 31 weeks
 and are goal
 was to get at least to 35 weeks,

 even longer if possible.....

 losing him never crossed my mind,

 so on the 8 day
of being in the hospital,

 I woke up and call for the nurse
 because I knew I was in labor, 

they brought in the ultra sound machine
 and that is when they realize
 that his heart beat was too low, 

so they yelled
 "code blue"

 about 15 nurses and dr's, were in my room
within seconds......

 they rushed me down to delivery to do a c-section,

 everything happened so fast,

 they had to get him out as fast as they could! 

 I had one sweet nurse straddled over me
 pushing on my stomach 

to wake Landon up

 or

 to get him moving and his heart beat going,

 then when we reached the delivery room, 

they did another ultra sound
and realized that he was gone.....

......it was too late....

I went back up to my room,

 and within a few hours
I delivered the cutest little baby boy, 

he was perfect and it broke Kurt and I's hearts. 

 We got to spend time with him and just hold him

 and cry for what would have been,

we missed him already....

 our dreams of our son were shattered.

I wish we had the internet back then,

so I could have
written and documented in greater detail.

19 years seems like a life time,
 and really it is.....

He would be getting ready to go,
or
on his mission already!

I don't feel a sharp pain in my chest this year,

 April 24th - May 1st,
that week that I spent in the hospital

 is always the hardest for me....?

This year I'm just a little sadder than usual,
 and have a dull ache in my heart....

I'm grateful
that I'm not broken
 as I have been in the past,

 it's honestly too painful
 to have to endure that pain every year.....

Happy Birthday little buddy!

Until we meet again...

change....

the week/month has been a fast one with a lot of emotional changes...

Kurt's surgery went well last Monday,
the tumor that was on his gum that the Dr. was concerned about,
was just a lot of scare tissue from his past 4 bone grafts, so the good news is he was able to get it all cleaned up, the hard part is just trying to heal and keep on top of the pain, and Kurt is the kind that won't take an aspirin for a headache! but, he's done pretty good!!!

Caitlyn and Kurt are going to Virginia this week for a college visit.

My dad has decided to RETIRE!
I'm still trying to process it.....

I'm looking for a new job, our house sold, but an investor bought it and wants to rent it back to us!
which was the biggest blessing because we love our neighbors and ward!

We past Landon's 17th birthday, I actually had to calculate it just to make sure, I couldn't wrap my brain around it....

I'm the proud wearer of new contacts.... it's amazing to actually be able to see again... imagine that!!!!
their is a great eye dr. up in Vernal, and I'm so grateful for my little sister, she's been such a great example and support to me through all of this! (especially trying to put contacts in my eyes for the first time....it was worst than having a baby.... almost!)

a lot of change this month, sometimes I'm okay with it all, and sometimes I'm not!?!

(sometimes it just makes me mad cuz I can't control it!)

I always think about Landon a lot during the last week in April, 

after my water broke,

that was our time we spent in the hospital together...

on bed rest.

 I think about the day he was born,

 and all the events that lead up to his birth, 

 all those scary moments in between and even a few good ones.

 and of course, after he was born,

 as we, Kurt and I, spent time just holding him, and being with him.

 he was beautiful and his little body was perfect, 

it's kind-of hard to see how cute he was in pictures because his little face was red,

but, he was just adorable!

 it was an amazing feeling to hold him and still be able to feel his little spirit even though it wasn't in his body anymore,

 the veil between this life and the next was very thin, 

I believe thinner than at any other time in my life, 

being his mother and having the priveledge of being a vessel to bring his perfect little body down on this earth, and then, feeling it leave to go back to his heavenly home,
 it was a unique and amazing experience to say the least, truly sad and very surreal because you really can't believe that it's happening to you..... but calming at the same time... if that makes sense?

it only seems right when you think about it, 

that the veil between heaven and earth would have to be so thin...

 I wish he could have stayed with us.... 

it's been 16 years today...

and just as any mother would,  just looking at this pictures makes my arms ache to hold him again.

I will always be grateful for his cute nurse, who gave him a bath, and helped me dress him,
she was so gently and kind to Landon,
 and held it together so beautifully until the end when we said our good-byes,
then she started to cry too...

Happy Birthday Sweetheart.

14

The week before his birthday is always the hardest.....

and this morning at 5:27 am

there IT was, sitting on my chest...

the heaviness, the hurt, the longing that it would have been a different outcome,

the second guessing myself of what I would-of, should-of, could-of done differently.

Last year I pasted his birthday and it didn't hurt,

so why is it starting now this year again?

It's been 14 years,

you'd think I'd get over it...

and believe you me, I have in a way,

it sure doesn't physically hurt as it use too,

now it just aches, and it's sad, sad that life isn't perfect.

I guess it's just the mourning process,

and it's okay to mourn someone you love,

a mother's love is amazing,

I loved Landon even before holding him in my arms,

I know that I already knew him,

and that's why it stings so bad because I did know and love him..

*Kurt just said" Can you imagine having a 14 year old AND a Spencer!"

(that's what I needed, a good little chuckle!)

it reminds me......

that there our angels among us.......

I have five little angels that surround me,

4 earthly angels and one true heavenly angel....

family pictures 2008

(10th picture of folder #18)

Landon's 13th

When someone comes into our lives...
and they are too quietly and quickly gone,
they leave footprints on our hearts...
and their memory stays with us forever long....


(Landon's little foot)

Wow!

So many thoughts, happy thoughts I might add...

Thirteen years seems like yesterday but really it's been forever!
This birthday has been the easiest one so far, I wonder why?

I actually had a good day today...

It was nice to have a good day and not have a tender, sore heart.

I love my little guy

doesn't it make ya wonder about eternity,

I can't help but think...

a big fat family reunion

I know I'm looking forward to it...

Landon and Steve, watch out!

Hmmmm...

I am grateful for my blog......really

I love that we can celebrate that WE are a family...

along with my family, The Harris'

and

The Davis'

I love when I turn the computor on ALL of us are there,

even Landon

I think that's what makes me happiest, having and being able to acknowlege him!

For the longest time, 12 years, no one knew how to deal with the situations or with my feelings and so they didn't!

I had to pretend to forget, for along time I tried...thinking if I forgot it wouldn't hurt so bad...

oh, the silly things we try to do!

Since blogging I have been able to enjoy others blogs, some have lost stillborn babies and they are able to acknowledge them in a healthy way, it has been healing for me to see that it's okay!

and so it's fun to be able to see ALL of us up on my family blog because that is what we are ...

A family.

One day we will be able to hang out with Landon and get to know him and I am sure he will bless Kurt and I's life just like each one of our children have.

(that sounds selfish, I hope he likes having Kurt and I for his parents!)

My heart is a little fuller at this time of year, that's why my thoughts are finding there way to my blog.

I am always so overwhelmed with gratitude as I can personally understand a little better of having to sacrifice and giving up someone that meant so much to me!

I think it has made me better in some ways and in some ways worse.

It has shaken me to the core, because I don't understand, but the magic word is

FAITH

and that's what this life is all about!

(I'm just a slow learner.)

Landon, photos and fun...

I love what we can do with pictures, just with a click of the mouse...
I just zoomed in on a big picture to make a smaller more intimate one!
~12 years ago we had an old film camera, so you never knew what picture you were really going to get,(who was looking at the camera, who blinked, who sneezed!)
now it is so fun!
I wish we had a digital camera when Landon was born so I could have taken better pictures, he was the cutest little thing ever! I am grateful for the pictures I do have, everything happened so fast, this wasn't even our camera, it was the hospital...we'll save that story for later...

Anyway, life is kind-of fun !!!