a birth day....

He was thee cutest little peanut ever!

....

....

 19 years ago, my water broke
 and I spent April 24 through May 1st, 1996
in the University of Utah Hospital,
my water was low,
but I had enough to keep Landon safe, 

we worried about infection,
 I would stayed in bed all day on bedrest,

 and the sweet nurses
 would come in every couple of hours
to check on Landon, 

we were just trying to buy time..... 

every moment that we could keep him
 inside was a blessing, 

we were at 31 weeks
 and are goal
 was to get at least to 35 weeks,

 even longer if possible.....

 losing him never crossed my mind,

 so on the 8 day
of being in the hospital,

 I woke up and call for the nurse
 because I knew I was in labor, 

they brought in the ultra sound machine
 and that is when they realize
 that his heart beat was too low, 

so they yelled
 "code blue"

 about 15 nurses and dr's, were in my room
within seconds......

 they rushed me down to delivery to do a c-section,

 everything happened so fast,

 they had to get him out as fast as they could! 

 I had one sweet nurse straddled over me
 pushing on my stomach 

to wake Landon up

 or

 to get him moving and his heart beat going,

 then when we reached the delivery room, 

they did another ultra sound
and realized that he was gone.....

......it was too late....

I went back up to my room,

 and within a few hours
I delivered the cutest little baby boy, 

he was perfect and it broke Kurt and I's hearts. 

 We got to spend time with him and just hold him

 and cry for what would have been,

we missed him already....

 our dreams of our son were shattered.

I wish we had the internet back then,

so I could have
written and documented in greater detail.

19 years seems like a life time,
 and really it is.....

He would be getting ready to go,
or
on his mission already!

I don't feel a sharp pain in my chest this year,

 April 24th - May 1st,
that week that I spent in the hospital

 is always the hardest for me....?

This year I'm just a little sadder than usual,
 and have a dull ache in my heart....

I'm grateful
that I'm not broken
 as I have been in the past,

 it's honestly too painful
 to have to endure that pain every year.....

Happy Birthday little buddy!

Until we meet again...